It had been cool and dark for as long as I could remember. It was nice. I drifted this way and that, slowly being pulled by some external force. It felt like a dream where I was barely conscious. I would’ve been more active if I had known more. But all I had was shades of blue. It was beautiful but distant. I never would have asked for anything more. I could have drifted for eternity and been pleasant. But that was not the plan.
One day I felt something change. As if a distant power were looking over me. And then I lost my sight. Or at least it felt that way because light had flooded my home revealing its vast emptiness. But before I could accept that there were even more blues than I had thought before, my world shifted violently this way and that. I swirled in confusing spirals and smacked into something. As I bounced back I became truly terrified. There was an object in the blue expanse. It sat there as if daring me to kick it out, but what could I do?
Then came the invaders. I saw more shapes and colors than I thought possible darting through my home. They left bits of themselves in their wake and I found it infuriating. But I had no strength to push them away and was bullied this way and in that. I thought I was going to die the first time everything went dark and slimy. I felt as if my life was being sucked from my very being, but I was always released at some point. I felt tainted after those encounters and took great pains to avoid any strange shapes after that. But they never failed to find me once I gained my energy again.
It was when I noticed the population of shapes growing in endless numbers that I fled. I knew not of anywhere to go and I simply moved. I drew quiet friends around me and wondered if they saw and felt the same as I? Or if I were truly alone. I found my travels going swifter and I revealed in the freedom. And then more shapes bombarded me with their presence. They seemed to enjoy the current I made for them and I felt constrained all over again.
But leaving became more difficult than I thought. My current was too strong for my weak little self. I saw the shapes dart in and out of the current and I became jealous. I raged for a long time and gave up countless times. But then I noticed a minuscule shape barely bigger than myself dance through the current. I felt an affinity for that soul and when it escaped the flow, I knew I could finally do it. I followed the same path and because of my newfound resolve or a small pull from my new friend, I was able to break through.
I was in the dark blue and didn’t mind the shapes so much anymore. These ones seemed to move nice and slow and I began to relax. I found accomplishment for the first time in my life and began to care for my shapes. I learned to avoid the open shapes gaping to consume me. I watched the slow growth of those attached to bigger shapes and discovered new colors when I cared to look. I wandered once more and decided I enjoyed the change, as frightening as it was.
So of course, that is when things changed. My world began to churn once more and most of the free-floating shapes hid underneath larger ones. I did the same, but I had no presence to hang on and I was drug up into the storm. I was cold and then hot. Pockets of round nothings swirled around me and my shock kept me from thinking anything coherent.
And then I fell into nothingness. An empty current slammed into me occasionally pulling me back into the center. I saw anger manifested above me with streaks of light. I fell farther for a bit and saw my home below me and yearned to return. But right before I made it, I was pulled back up in a dizzying twirl. The next time I fell, I hit hard. The storm raged around me but left me broken and alone pressed up against a large shape that was even larger than the storm.
Things quieted eventually and a gentle light revealed many more strange shapes. I noticed even more patterns and colors than were in my home. Some moved about while others stood still. Those who moved seemed erratic and changed their direction quite suddenly. If not for the sounds, I would’ve gone mad from fear. I had been moving my entire life and being still was more terrifying than anything. But those sounds were so crisp, so distinct, unlike the long drawn out ones I was used to.
I found my attention pulled from one side to another as I tried to make sense of it all. I hated being confined, but I thought maybe I could learn to live with it if only because I had no other choice.
Then things got hot. Temperature had never bothered me before, but I got so hot, it began to affect me. I felt as if the nothingness above me was drawing my being from me. I noticed I was shrinking and I would have screeched one of those new sounds if I could. But I was a slave to my environment and I disappeared and joined the nothingness.
Or at least, that is what I thought. I found that while I had virtually no substance to myself, I could distantly sense things around me. I floated through the nothingness and found relief in that movement. It was similar to how my home had once been and I found it unnerving. I had gotten used to the shapes and now missed them. My dreams were so much more vibrant now.
And then then I cooled off. My presence seemed to collect itself and I felt heaviness again. It was only when I had lost myself that I was able to describe it. I was ecstatic to be myself once more and revealed in the world around me once more. I found myself up high in the nothingness that I had found was still slightly something. I fell and fell and saw a deep blueness below me sparkling with reflected light. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
I returned home with quiet dignity and felt something new once more. It was longing. I wanted to see and know more about this strange new world. I knew I would be frightened often, but that is how change is. It is always worth it in the end. Or at least, from my experience. And I felt as if I had so little of that.
Photo by Olia Gozha